If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all

I've worked in radio for about seven years now and most radio personalities, by necessity, are very good storytellers, so I often overhear jocks jabber about their lives, and nothing that they say ever really surprises me. Most radio personalities are wild, entertaining, and flat-out fun to be around.

But one of my female co-workers, who we'll call Caroline, was telling a story the other day that just made me shake my head. There are countless ways to describe her: outrageous, spunky, forward, free-spirited, unashamed. But only one description fully encapsulates her lack of rationale: female.

Caroline has a very vibrant personality which has allowed her to have somewhat reasonable success attracting men despite her very average looks. I'd probably put her at a 4, but she's got a cute chic style which suits her. She isn't what Americans would consider "overweight," but I've never seen an Asian chick her size. As we used to say in college, "she could use a trip to Ping," which was the student rec center, and in her case, maybe a six-month membership wouldn't hurt. She has pale skin, a round, ordinary face with no features that wow you, but a compelling character which usually allows her to date out of her league, at least looks-wise.

Thru multiple promotional gigs, Caroline has worked closely with a girl we'll call Amber. Amber is stunningly beautiful. She's a t-shirt and jeans girl whose genuine modesty and unfounded lack of confidence in her body prevents her from dressing up. She possesses a wonderful backside that would give some lucky man two big handfuls, and as a result, has moderately thick thighs that she constantly hides, no matter what the occasion or time of year. Her legs really aren't bad at all, but they're the only conceivable root of her humility. She's got a tiny waist, a big round perky set of breasts that perfectly fit her proportion and a smooth beautiful bronze skin tone that somehow remains constant year-round.

It would be an absolute delight to see the uncensored complete package in its glorious entirety, but without question, her most seductive feature is her face. She is angelically gorgeous. She's innocent-looking, with soft cheeks and even softer plump pink lips. Her blue eyes, just slightly naturally squinted, jump out at you and crank up your adrenaline six notches when they connect with yours. She's low-maintainence, usually pulling her blonde hair back into a pony tail, but her new 'do keeps a few locks dancing in front of her right eye, just enough to taunt you and deny you that adrenaline rush you're looking for.

Amber's a 9, Caroline's a 4. It is what it is. I like them both. It's just that I only want one of them. Most men only want one of them.

While everyone has their preferences, my synopsis is pretty much a consensus opinion among men. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure every guy in the office has commented on Amber's looks at one time or another. Yet, Caroline was feeling bold. Really, really bold.

Caroline was telling a story about a guy she's been dating for less than a month. That means they've gone on, what, maybe three dates? If it was going well, possibly more. Had they slept together? Who knows. If Caroline's reputation was consistant with this relationship, probably.

She had a photo of herself posed with Amber and Bret Michaels at a "Rock of Love" something-or-other. When she showed the photo to her guyfriend, she decided to put him to the test in a way only women would try.

"This is my friend Amber," Caroline said, pointing to the goddess. "Isn't she gorgeous?"

"Wow," he said, walking right into her vicious trap. "Yeah, she is."

Ballgame.

Caroline fumed. I wasn't there, but I know she did, because she was fuming just by relaying the story to the people standing around the water cooler. What did she expect? Amber could've been locked inside the Mom's Attic of a U-Haul in swealtering 90-degree heat for 72 hours and Caroline could have had the best-looking day of her life, and 100 out of 100 guys would choose Amber. That's just the way it is. Accept it and get on with life.

Every woman has positive traits and negative traits, yet women are set solely on attaining the unattainable. If another girl has a talent, they want to be better at it. If they're not better at it, they want to hear they're better at it. I get that. But I also think there are too many double-standards women have.

They want an honest man. He just can't be honest when the truth hurts. They want a man with confidence, yet they don't have the confidence themselves to realize that no one's perfect, so their individual imperfections aren't a big deal.

Women will continue to put men in no-win situations as long as they can. I think it's a power thing. They're the inferior gender when it comes to strength, so they try to be the superior gender when it comes to smarts, thus creating a balance of power. What women don't realize is they aren't smarter than men. Men just don't care to play their games. The balance of power comes from their superior ability to nuture, thus keeping the human race afloat. That's it.

Most men don't care, but if they find themselves being bombarded with worthless questions of comparison and want to avoid the occasional headache, they're best served to simply not say anything at all. That's why the Constitution of the United State was written by men. If it wasn't, no one would have ever thought of the 5th Amendment.